They are right, I am wrong. Black white. la la la. " I dont want you to live here anymore" why? because " I just dont" Where is the critical thought in that sentence? o wait, there is none. Today has been very interesting, and for my parents im sure its been a confusing roller coaster of emotions. which is not good, bc its the exact opposite of what I was trying to do. WTF! how frustrating it is to speak to someone who consistently stands by the positions of I DONT KNOW, and I hear what your saying, and asking, but im not going to interrupt you or correct your incorrect judgements of me.

I see group fear to confront a problem. I see individual fear to confront misunderstanding. I see a reaction to anger, What is anger?!?? why do people get so emotional? I learned about in school something called flight or fight, so thats why I have put that in to use.

So lets get to what happened today. Sitting on the couch playing guitar and learning some new music that i just picked up at the music shop. mom came in said hi, crystal came in and started literally whining and crying about how badly she wanted to get this new house. My mother told her to not get to attached. At the same time, (me still working on my song while they sat down next to me) was told to be quiet. all of the sudden. ???? all of the sudden the noise from my guitar was soooooooo loud that they couldnt carry on with a conversation???? Im sorry but this is an incorrect assumption. I did a speech on a study that was done on noise in the background of a test taking enviornment and it showed that the noise/music did not affect the test takers.....If it didnt effect them, then there is something solid in that. to me its seems like a control game. So i got up and went into the other room. Why should my spirit be tampered with to the point I have to stop the direction im going in my life to worry. they could have easily moved to the dinner table to have their conversation.So in the other room practicing "lullaby" crystal came in after a few minutes and apologized in an interesting voice. then left. I went back into the living room. More house talk. But this time my dad was there and so was mike, crystals husband. I brought my guitar out again and quietly began playing lullaby. as they were having their conversation. Everything seemed fine. As they all were talking i noticed that the volume of their voices were all slow and monotone, while my mothers almost sounded angry and loud, like she was trying to overcomepensate for something, like maybe she felt belittled. So i tried to me mention that her tonality was above normal volume. And my dad asked me " what am i talking about" and I said out of fear of a fight quickly " i dont know" he replied in a mean way, "thats right"..... after a few minutes of sitting there and the rest of the conversation continuing on. I said to my dad " you know what that was not nice, i do know what i was trying to say, i was trying to say that mom was talking over everyone else. ...Dad- " lets ask the group,hey crystal- I imidiately got up and went into the other room. After a few more minutes I recieved a text message from my dad saying "how old are you? stop acting like your 10."

Lets stop there for a second. I suddenly felt like screaming. I suddenly wanted to run as fast as I could in the other direction and cry. I honestly felt like fighting. I felt sad that he would talk down to me like that. It was like a SECOND slap in the face. (first was when he tried to bring the group into our convo.) btw the reason why I got up and left was that in the past my father has played this kind of if Im(me) "acting irrationaly" about something he will imidiately run to my mom and get her to side with him. This puts me in a crazy position. Suddenly its not a matter of what im thinking and what im saying, suddenly i have to now try and convince two opposed irrational thinkers that what Im trying to say to them is not crazy. la la la. so thats why I ran. I felt trapped.

but after I got that text after a few minutes I came back into the room. My mom smiling, my sis and mike all happy about something, more alive then they were a few minutes ago: as in they were providing more body language. My mom asked me to play a my new songs. Three songs go by, dear spring, our love has just begun, and two hands. and our conversation ends.

I could have choosen to just forget it and let it all go, but as we were all heading for the door to get the car ready while my mom was getting ready, my dad tried to get me to come into the other room and dicuss with him why I had reacted the way I did. because he didnt understand. Stubbornly i told him no, why dont we just talk about here. dad-No, lets talk about it in here. me-no lets talk about it out here. la la la.

So i started at the beginning and from here on out the conversation is recorded on my phone. Arguing outside with my mom and dad about what happened.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh my mind is blank
la la la

dad - i dont understand, i dont understand. la la la

me- repeating story with more emphasize on how I felt.

dad- i dont understand, i dont understand. this time shaking his head


convo is on my phone from here

but it ends with me getting into the car with everyone and my sister telling me ok , everyone has to talk about the house. This includes me mike and the parents.

me- o so this is a business dinner. wait so i cant talk about it?

her-(pretty much) only we can

Thanks for excluding me! what night that would have been If i had stayed in the car. instead i did the next best thing, drove to angelos, got pizza and a cheesesteak, and now Im at borders. here again. pondering life, logic, and wisdom, and how I want to change my parents opinion of me. I need to change that. I need to be seen as a normal human being to them in their eyes. Its my goal. Its almost like, without that how do I KNOW that they truly love me? If they cant even see the bigger picture and let this go, and try and fix our problems, then why should I worry about it so much? I dont want to ever go to the hospital again. I KNOW im NOT CRAZY. I am a logical being, and I am very strong in my beliefs, but I am MALLIABLE! everyday I try and add and subtract from this map of life I have in my head. People are fundamentally all good! Its situation and "emotion" that gets in the way.
-----------------------------------------------

So Ive been here for about a half hour or so, why havent I approached the girl sitting next to me? fear of rejection? no. I am all about right timing. Situation hasnt put us together yet. I havent seen my way in to her life/ she hasnt found me in hers.

la la la